today is the 14th working day to a UO parcel that is supposed to arrive at my place a week ago. so it can officially be called a lost/undelivered mail and i have to ask UO to file a claim for the item. and it doesn't just end there. i can foresee the countless updates or apologies or pleads i have to make to all those who joined the spree to be more patient and wait and the countless phonecalls to USPS/UO/singpost to ask where's my refund or how's progress. combined with the fear that any mishandling might result in a possible blacklisting on spreesgalore (which probably will really happen if it really gets lost and no refund are given) and the exams in two weeks, the stress is really rather hard to handle.
i thought i was okay, like somehow every morning i wake up to see no new boxes in front of the tv, i kept telling myself there's still wednesday. and when wednesday came and the same thing still happened, somehow i didn't feel the huge impact. that's what always happen isn't it, when small things happen, i whine about it the entire day. i might be unhappy or angsty but i whine and everything's gone. but when huge serious things like this happen, i keep it bottled, don't even want to talk about it, not whine, keep deluding myself that actually i don't feel that bad. until somehow, the tears just start flowing and i don't even know why. dear asked me what triggered the tears, i have no idea if he was worried that its him, but i just want to say that, it's just the bottling of everything that triggered the tears. menstruation + exams + lost package = the bomb.
i know dear thinks that it's not worth it at all. in fact everyone does. and a part of me knows it too. for the effort, time, tears and worry i put it, it's not even worth the few cents i'm earning. i'm like asking for responsibility for nothing. but i don't know why, i'm just genuinely happy when i get to see the items arrive, when ppl thank me for the items, service and all. i just really like it.
that apart, i feel like i'm drifting with dear, like our relationship is starting to crack. i really really don't want that to happen, but we just don't seem to have the time to mend it. when i'm with him, sometimes i feel so at ease that i forget that i have to do something constructive and couple-ish. and then the time i realizes it, it is the time he has to leave and i try to grab hold of the last few minutes. and while i try to grab hold of the last few mins, i feel an immense amount of guilt, like i'm being selfish and tying dear down when he should be home studying. (which is really the reason why i cried the second time)that always happens, i know it and it still happens and i don't know why i can't change and all i can do is cry. sometimes i think and wonder, if dear is getting sick of my tears. in fact, i am getting sick of it myself.
i feel like i'm becoming more and more screwed up and i have no one to blame but myself. but maybe, it might just be the hormonal changes in my body.
basically, i want to say i'm sorry. i know i have said it umpteen times and you have probably adapted to our life now, lowering your standards as we spend our days doing mindless things like wrapping and talking about my sprees. i seemed to have made our couple life deteriorate, and this guilt seemed to be manifesting in my dreams. till date, i have woken up twice, crying and the dreams seemed to be getting more vivid and heartbreaking. and i hate to say, i always wake up from these dreams telling myself that i should stop doing such stuff to harm our relationship but somehow or rather, i still end up doing it. much as dear keeps telling me that he's okay with it, i'm pretty sure he will love to be doing some other stuff with me.
i know i have been very cooped up with my own stuff, and rarely replying you when we are apart, but i can really tell you, that doesn't mean that i have stopped loving you. i love you dear.
dear got afflicted with two nonsense illnesses, with one being pretty mild and the other one being potentially disastrous. and as i read dear's blog and how he's worried about the illness, it made me feel like such a bad gf. somehow, i'm so focused on doing my diaries and sprees and everything else, and i failed to see the most important thing right by my side. i should have noticed the signs, like how dear tells me about his internet research on shingles or his sister telling him about it. i should have seen how important and worrying this illness is to dear. and instead of being understanding towards him, or at least try to make him less worried about his illness, i get all insecure and unhappy when dear flared his temper a little.
perhaps it was the bad dream that i had, or my incoming menstrual thats causing all the hormonal imbalance or the lack of pure and nice bonding in a long time, somehow, somewhere within, i'm actually really afraid that i will lose dear. it's almost like i can see the cracks in the relationship and i choose to ignore it, cos i will never want to lose him. so i start focusing on my diaries and sprees so that i will be kept busy. but on the other hand, my focus is causing more cracks. its like a chicken and egg theory and a vicious cycle.
nonetheless, i'm such a selfish girl, expecting dear to be by my side, supporting me, be my anger bunny and take in everything, to not feel insecure when i'm neglecting him and so many and many more while i can't even do a fraction of what dear is doing. looks like i have the most double standards after all...and i'm really really sorry. and i love you dear. i'm serious.
sometimes, i stop and reflect about our relationship. somewhere, somehow, it has changed. we are slowly becoming more independent, more like 2 separate entities. there will be times that i totally do not know what dear is doing, and times when dear doesn't know about mine too. gradually, we seem to have lesser laughter and smiles when we are out. i do not know if this is a gradual decline of our relationship or is this a stage all couples go through as they slowly settle in. but again, somewhere, somehow, it hasn't cos i am still loving him more and more with each day. dear has become so integrated in my life, i can never bear the thought of losing him. it's the sense of comfort and feeling that i have someone by my side no matter what, it's almost like a subconscious thought, even when i don't consciously think dear is by my side, dear is by my side, i simply know he is. and i am confused as to which one it is and where it will lead me to.
these few days have been rather eventful and i will try to write down what i feel as detailed as i can.
lets start on monday. we seem like we'll never get used to 8.30 lessons. plus hiccups from china, i was all angsty as usual. sometimes i wonder if dear has ever wished that i never gotten into this business. its like, this business has brought nothing but angst and trouble. okay, maybe not nothing, but definitely not worth the few dollars its earning. i admit that im really easily affected by my business cos i am really quite passionate about it. and it sucks to have any setbacks. and im really sorry that dear has to tolerate all these shit, just cos of my 'passion'. math tutorial caused some angst again. i could see dear on the verge of losing his patience. i wonder how many more mondays will it take for all these to break. sometimes, when im out of the situation, i wish that nothing like this will happen. but somehow, when you're in it, it just happens.
tues was crazy. i had no idea why i was so upset, but i was. i soulsearched the entire journey back, there wasn't any specific reason, it was just the feeling. maybe it's the stress. like there's so much things to cope with and my business venture doesnt seem like its working very well. i know dear thinks it is, but it feels as if for my effort, the work should pay off in better ways. but anyway, as usual, dear being my safe target, i projected it on him. throughout the journey back home, i ignored him and walked, sat or stood as if im alone. it must have been pretty agonizing for dear, who obviously have done nothing wrong. its like on the way back, i kept thinking, why am i acting like this, why am i torturing dear when he has done nothing wrong. then the other school surfaces and say, you can't stop this unhappiness. u really want to open your mouth, but you just cant. you feel like the words are at your teeth but it's stuck. after a while, when dear tried in vain to get me to talk, he kind of gave up and decide to leave me alone. a part of me got a little pissed, like why did he give up so easily after some feeble weak attempts of trying to get me to talk. he could have done better instead of just harping on 'theories' like everything will be better, it's okay. he could have done something totally unrelated with just the pure aim to cheer me up. sometimes, girls does not need the problem to be solved, they just need the feeling to be gone. then another part of me felt a little sad and regretful. like am i pushing this too far, it's not dear's fault, yet he still tries to coax me as if it is. and i push him away, like its really his fault. any other guy would have flared and walked off. after that, dear mentioned a little about running away. altho he gave me an explanantion for that, but im not really convinced that it is really the explanation.
wed was a day of long hours and little interaction as usual. the night was spent seperately, with dear at jurong east with his friends and me at tuition. but dear came over my house after that. sneaking him in was rather fun. kissed a little but everything else went as planned - we will be too tired to do anything. honestly tho, sleeping with dear is the best thing i can do actually. i have no idea if dear really means it when he means sleeping is also quality time spent together, but i honestly mean it. it feels really 'right' sleeping next to you, and i just sleep real well. dear asked me on the train if i will ever get engaged when i'm still studying. i gave him a wth look, and said i dunno. lol. sorry, that question kind of stunned me. like i was thinking, huh why are you asking that. then i thought, maybe its just a random qn. then what am i supposed to answer? what if it's a qn under a random qn. lol. so i just settled for i dunno. lol
thurs was an interesting night. went out with dear's friends for xlb buffet and headed to clementi for a game session at a cafe. everything was jus normal, but sometimes, i wonder if my presence has affected the bonding with his friends. like, i dont think im very capable of blending in with his friends. so often, i just stand there, listen attentively and keep quiet unless i have to speak. so as my perfect bf, dear stays with me every second. the holding hands thing worried me a little too. like are we supposed to hold hands in front of them? isn't the rule be like, no physical intimacy when in a group. haha, but somehow, dear seems more touchy when in a group than when we are alone. like he will put his hands on my waist and stuff.
after that, dear sent me home. he was supposed to just stay for a while but ended up cabbing back again. we fell asleep again, sleeping all the way till 3 before dear left. i have no idea why but lethargy always set in when im with dear. like im so comfortable, i just want to sleep. no idea if its a good thing or not. i just hope that, this will not affect our real quality time bonding and we suddenly realise that we have already drifted before we know it. spending the cab fare just to sleep doesnt sound very wise too.
today had been a good and bad day both at the same time. we didn't end off on a good note as the atmosphere got a little tense while we were discussing about 204 project. we are probably both just really tired and i could see it on dear's face. honestly, i hate it when we get a little pissed off because of such matters. cos it feels like we are straining our r/s over not-so-r/s stuff. this happened during our math tut discussion, and now this. i really hope all these strains won't affect our r/s ultimately.
apart from that, we went out for a great dinner. although dinner in itself wasn't so great, but it feels great that we finally went to do something we agreed to do. it's like, we always seem to be planning but never putting it into action. tgif, flyer, wildwildwet, IR and many many more. somehow, we'll just end up doing the mundane things like staying at home or eating nearby cos my lazy genes will kick in. we should do these more often.
managed to get a fabulous steal on salmon in carrefour. but it seems like we just can't get the best of both worlds. when we could get niwa, there's no carrefour. and now there's carrefour, i couldn't eat my fav tuna mayo from niwa. but its like a blessing in disguise cos my tummy, arms and legs are all disgustingly fat now.
got caught by my brother today. and i hope he will not be the sabo king he used to be. next time, remember, don't play with chances.
dear left my house at 11.50pm, and seeing the lethargy on his face, sometimes im amazed at how he can send me home so faithfully everytime without feeling sian about it. honestly, if im as tired as he is, i will whine and whine about sending me home. after all it's an hour's ride. sometimes i wish we have all the money on the world and he can just cab home. thanks dear, for always sending me home no matter how tired you are.
what if i fail? oh man. exams have never gave me such butterflies before. and sometimes i just think, exams are way way easier than tp.
to be honest, i saw 1001 husband-y qualities in dear and sometimes i really wish that i will be that lucky girl that will become his wife in future. realistically speaking, i know it's really too early to say, and probably a far-fetched dream, but at least, as of now, i would love to be your wife. hahaha. i jus love how dear's willing to take care of me, take my slippers in everytime we walk into the room when i should have been the one doing it. but since i'm someone who will only walk out to take my slippers when i need it, dear will always be the one bringing my slippers in. and how he is willing to pack my stuff for me, hang up my towels and my clothes voluntarily without any grumble or shop with me for the entire day and still remain as focused and helpful (comparing it to bose who complained or showed the super sian face whenever we see him) and many many many more.
day 1
was sleeping on dear's lap on the plane. the first time i ever felt so comfortable on a budget flight, or any flight for that matter, the first time i never needed to pull out earpiece or book so that time will fly by faster cos just being with dear makes every second occupied.
walked around, shopped a little, and dear looked for bras with me. lol. maybe i should really have took a picture! his face was conflicted with emotions while he was poking through the bras. don't worry dear, i'll never make you do that in singapore! haha
drank a bit of beer at margarita bar. sidetracking a little, the male singer was monotonous and he mumbled all the way, totally ruined the songs. and they were all so ugly! haha, but anyway, this is the first time i love alcohol. cos it made our bio lesson a whole lot more passionate. saw a little of dear losing his control, although i think i was mainly the one losing control. haha.
after bathing, i felt this extreme lethargy overwhelming me, and i dragged my feet around the room to change to specs and apply moisturizer and stuff. in the half-asleep-half awake state, i could hear dear moving around the room helping me pack my stuff, putting me to bed and covering me with the blanket. and this is why i say i would love dear to be my husband in future.
day 2
the day filled with action-packed activities. started with atv in the jungle which i totally screwed up cos i couldn't drive it. jus couldn't go straight at all, and kept driving to the trees and getting stuck. so i had no choice but to sit behind dear as he drove us through the entire ride. but after a while, i realised my failure might be a blessing in disguise. cos sitting behind him and hugging him as he brought me on a bumpy and exciting ride through the forest gave me an undescribable warmth in my heart. at that moment, a thought even flashed through my mind - i am contented just hugging my dear, following and going wherever he brings me, just as long as he's the one driving. haha. i know i know, it's super mushy. and how he will always tell me to hold tight when the road gets exceptionally bumpy, it's nice to know he cares.
then it was the elephant ride, nothing special there. jus a bumpy and boring ride. plus it caused dear a backache, which must have been really quite painful judging from his expression. so not good at all.
followed by white water rafting which was awesome. initially i was quite pissed cos i didn't really want to get wet but the people there kept splashing water on us. hitting the leaves till ants fell on our raft didn't help one bit at all. i still remember giving song guang the killer stare when he commented i can jump into the water when i realised there's a lot of ants on my lifevest. hahaha.
but after that when we went into the river, was just plain awesome. the adrenaline of the near toppling raft on the fast flowing river was simply jus wow.
then, there was the waterfall. tiring climb up, freezing cold water.
more shopping.
i can't remember what we did in the room, probably jus more bio lessons? lol
day 3
dear left early in the morning to pick up the car with layjia and all. once again in my half-asleep-half awake state, i could feel dear covering me with his jacket. and giving me a peck on my forehead? no idea if i felt that correctly. but i love that feeling you know, the feeling of waking up to see your loved one doing some simple acts of love but simply too tired and groggy to react and you go back to sleep.
went to the beach, kissed in the waters which was equally nice. beautiful water, perfect environment (no one), the feeling was great.
the day when my menses came full force and my cramps started kicking in, could see the look of worry on dear's face occasionally. could also see the effort dear puts in to make my day easier. once again comparing to bose, who had so much to comment when layjia asked him to give up his seat, dear just seemed like the perfect boyfriend.
drank alcohol and dear got drunk. it was quite funny, he fell flat on the bed the moment he came out from the toilet. and it would be a lie to say that i wasn't disappointed. in fact as i lie on the bed, with dear sound asleep, i was thinking damn, why must he get drunk. i just wanted him to get high so that we can have our passionate bio lesson again! haha.
also the night i couldn't sleep cos of the stupid leaking tap in the toilet. honestly i was totally freaked, and the nervy feeling from not being able to fall asleep as the hours tick by wasn't helping. millions of thoughts went through my mind, i was thinking about the possible reasons of the leaking tap, imagining the possible scenes of seeing a ghost just right there (and that totally didn't help but it just kept coming), recalling the scariest ghost story i have ever heard (which is the one in tekong about this guy commenting i'm so horny i can fuck a female ghost and he really saw one at night. and i couldn't stop my brain from its internal speech and i kept repeating those words, i was so afraid that a ghost will really appear, so it was like saying those words, then oh shit, no i didn't mean it, please i hope the ghost doesn't hear it). till the point i heard dear snort, then i realised maybe i could wake him up. so i did, halfheartedly, cos i wasn't sure if waking him up was a great idea. and when he woke up, he kept patting me and assuring me that everything's fine, i couldn't stop my tears from flowing. it was a mixture of fear of the leaking tap and relief that dear's by my side. but that night, i was really really thankful that dear is by my side, and glad that for the first time, i have someone by my side i can hug when i have such crazy fear spells.
day 4
more shopping. nothing much to say?
because of the freaked incident, i didn't dare to stay in the toilet alone and dear had to company me. it was quite funny how he stands at the corner, not peeking as i did my stuff in the toilet. but it was also then that he proved himself on how much i can trust him and also how much i realised i'm actually comfortable with such intimacy. i'm really quite amazed with how comfortable i am with dear already. wonder what was going through dear's mind as he waited for me? haha. any dirty thoughts? lolol.
as i bathed, and dear stood at the sink, i asked him if he wanted to bathe with me. couldn't really ask it, cos i was too shy so i kept hesitating. but dear kept pushing and asking me to ask. for a moment, i was thinking if he already knew what i wanted to ask. but when the question finally left my mouth, he kept quiet. . he then said that i'm almost done isn't it. took another gamble and said there's still a long way to go, but dear still said its okay. it was the moment i regretted even having such a thought.
i deliberately chose to read my book, creating a barrier between us so that i didn't have to face him when he was done with his bath. cos to be honest, it took a lot to ask. and it was hard to choose, lust or chastity. and as i decide to take the leap and chose lust, i was rejected. turned out, maybe i was the only one feeling that lust.
dear teared later on. he said that its the helplessness from seeing my cramps and being unable to help, but i wonder if it had anything to do with that?
after a while, dear shared his shock when i popped the question. and i asked him what went through his mind. he said three thoughts went through his mind, firstly, he was worried that my hesistance means me being uncomfortable with it. secondly, he was thinking how should he grab his clothes. thirdly, i forgot. lolol. at that moment, i kept quiet, but i was really thinking, damn dear and his self control. sometimes, he thinks too much, and its exasperating which led to the comment, too bad its over then. i was kinda feeling fuck it. haha dear, i know u'll be reading this, and you'll probably feel sad or see me in a whole new different light but i'm saying all these cos we agreed on an open relationship.
but after that, bio was jus fabulous again as we progressed another stage.
day 5
last day. the holiday flew by and it's ending. first time i really felt the intense longing to stay and an intense attachment to a room or a bed that i have only been in for 4 nights. the holiday was a sneak peek to a life where i get to spend every single night of my life with dear. maybe the real movie will never arrive, but im thankful that i have this vacation as a wonderful memory.
day 6 (today)
back in singapore! back to normal lifestyle. back to being a normal couple.
watched the backup plan together. had a couple of kisses in between the show. could actually feel the difference already. as in, compared to how we used to kiss the first few times, and now, seems like we found our rhythm and chemistry already. haha. but as i watch the show and it showed them making out, i was actually thinking, damn i'm seriously going to miss the life in phuket man and i wondered when our next time will come. not soon i guess.. =(
hahah. what a long post. hope you are not exhausted from reading already.
the whispers
Zijun
17.12.90
the whispered
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